This Check-in Ain’t Big Enough for the Two of Us

22 Feb

In my foursquare prime, I was the mayor of every pizza shop and police station within five miles of my apartment. These days, though, I have to settle for a women’s salon whose owner graciously cuts my hair for the kids price.

How did I fall from about 20 different kingdoms to just a few rinky-dink crowns in a matter of months? Tough to say, though I suppose all my late 2011 traveling played a role. While I was the “first of my friends” to check in at upscale Manhattan bars and restaurants, some shlubs in Bel Air were taking all my titles.

Bel Air Police Department? A cadet at the station who the chief probably wouldn’t allow to use use foursquare if he knew what it was.

Town hall? Same guy.

What about Shamrock Coffee, where I spent at least one morning each week when I was still Bel Air Patch’s local editor? My old friend Mat, who probably didn’t even have a foursquare account last fall, stabbed me in the back one cold January morning.

There’s nothing quite like the heartbreak of a notification you are no longer the mayor of a business you put on the map. (Who do you think left all those tips everyone checked off? I did!)

It’s like getting dumped via text message. Someone from foursquare could at least have the decency to call me.

Sure, the app has other benefits – meeting new people, unlocking specials and egotistically announcing your presence at some cool place none of your friends will ever visit. But there’s a certain amount of pride that comes with being a mayor of so many places, and mine is withering away.

Just the other night, one of my bosses commented on my check-in at Bel Air Liquors. “You’re the mayor of a liquor store?!?”

Well I was, until you *&%@ing jinxed me. This clown “mike” unseated me minutes later. He’s not even from Bel Air!

I bet he was buying Smirnoff Ice. What a loser.

So what do I have left to show for myself? Well, other than the salon I wrestled away from “Emily E.” Tuesday, I’m mayor of the Harford County Council building – shut down in January 2011 due to structural deficiencies; Jarrettsville Family Eye Care – yippee!; St. Mary’s Pylesville – a small church in a small town, great; Faby’s Auto Repair – boy do I know where to get my car fixed.

You see why this is so upsetting. That little crown logo used to pop up every time I checked into Buontempo Brothers Pizza, Gus’s Deli, Starbucks, Domino’s, Papa John’s, even Wegmans. Now I’m so far behind, I don’t even get told how many days I’m away from being mayor again. Call me Sheila Dixon.

I feel exiled from all the places I once ruled. Maybe I should start checking into my apartment. No else is ever here.

Hell, what’s the point? I’m moving out soon anyway.

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